Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.——Aristotle
April 1, 2005. Cheers all around. Fifty years of life, success and achievement. Surrounded by family, friends and co-workers congratulating me on my life. The photos show me smiling, basking in the glow of my birthday celebration. I should be feeling great on the inside too. However, when I looked in the mirror that evening I saw a different person and felt an emotional letdown.
My fifty years included twenty-nine years of what I thought was all about me — 24/7 work, independence and the freedom to focus on my goals. Even though I had a great personal life and all the material trappings of success something was missing. A thought crossed my mind. If I were to die that evening, an accurate epitaph for me would read “unfinished business.” But what exactly was missing and how could I find it?
It took a long time. The next ten years saw me chasing many new identities while raising my profile. Serial entrepreneur, sports team owner, traveler… and a heavy social calendar. It was fun and exhilarating, and my wife and I were having the time of our lives. Most times I felt that I was on a self-inflicted schedule playing a role rather than relaxing and enjoying each moment. I had become a whatis he instead of whois he.
I was troubled by constant questioning: “Don’t you ever relax?” “Are you always working?” “What are you running from?” “Where are you running to?” I needed to find the real me and answer all those questions.
Finally, year sixty and beyond changed everything. Family health issues, death of loved ones, selling companies, reducing business responsibilities, and the end of my football team jolted me right off my hamster wheel. I had more time to reflect on my evolution as a complete person. I realized I was more of a work in progress than I had ever imagined. I started to refocus on being in the moment, but it scared me because “me time” felt more like alone time. I revisited that epitaph and reimagined it reading “herein lies Cosmo, after a life well lived,” but would that be true?
For decades each day had started the same way. Up early, shower, dress, jump in the car, McDonald’s drive-through, and then speed to the office. Things were about to change. Clearly it was time to let loose and become a better me, but how?
I started slowly by carving out time for me. Rather than establishing goals for the rest of my life I started searching for simple joys. First I had to stop talking and start listening. I started attending daily mass and found it to be a great source of reflection, meditation and peace. I could feel my heartrate lowering and my breaths deepening. It stimulated a spiritual transformation within me that led to fundamental changes in what I considered important. I was gradually able to eliminate thoughts that led to a false sense of fulfillment and concerns that fed anxiety and isolation. Interestingly the more I paid attention to my emotions the more compassion I had for people less fortunate.
My mind was clear and my heart was open, giving me the confidence to take the next step — literally. Each day after mass I walked across the street to a diner and sat at the counter. It is a charming owner operated restaurant. Seven stools at the counter and two tables with seating for eight. With a capacity of fifteen customers it is the definition of intimate. We sat close to each other, with no privacy, and all conversation available for everyone to hear and judge. This was a very uncomfortable step for me. I may present as a very outgoing person, but I am also extremely discreet and I value privacy. If given the choice I’d always sit at a table in the back of any restaurant. I would never sit at a bar or counter where the person next to me could hear, or even worse, engage me in conversation.
However, at the diner I placed myself in the middle of these strangers and conversations. Full disclosure, I did initially choose the stool against the wall; but over time I moved to a spot with more interaction possibilities. I was always a talker, but every conversation in the past had to have a purpose, and I needed to have an audience. Now, I found myself listening and engaging with others and enjoying the interaction. I felt free and was more open with my new group of friends than even my longest relationships.
Who is this new me? I’m actually savoring the nutritional and emotional nourishment. I went there for the coffee but stayed for the companionship. No strings attached — just me finally being me.
People always would say, “Cosmo, you need a hobby.” Was I that one-dimensional or did people just not understand me? As it turns out I did have two hobbies, but I was going about them in the wrong way, treating them more like work tasks.
One of my hobbies is reading newspapers. Even though I own technology companies I eschew electronic readers and prefer hands-on old-school newspapers. The black ink on my hands is my badge of honor. I read four to six papers a day.
I had turned my newspapers into part of my work life, reading only the articles that would contribute information to further my business interests in healthcare, technology, professional football and the entertainment industry. I was skipping the other articles even if they looked interesting. How did I turn something I loved into yet another work project?
Once I recognized how much I was missing by rushing through the newspapers, I changed how I read them. In the process I felt more relaxed and informed, and it even turned out that those notdirectly-relevant articles did in fact broaden my knowledge and help my businesses.
My other hobby, caring for chickens and show pigeons has its origin in my youth. As the son of two Italian immigrant families I raised pigeons in the back yard. Chickens were added as we raised our children. As an empty nester I decided to indulge myself and build an aviary, with pigeons on one side and chickens on the other. It brought back amazing memories of my childhood and my children. It’s work, but I love getting dirty and being hands on.
I’ve always had hobbies but now I know how to enjoy them better. They’re my hobbies, on my time and I’m better for them and because of them.
Taking time for myself has resulted in a happier and relaxed me. Slowing down (without sacrificing) my life has made me a better husband, father, son and person. I now enjoy my grandchildren in a way I never thought was even possible. I also carved out the time to start a charitable foundation with passions including World Health, Cultural Diplomacy, Humanitarian Recognition and Conservation. Making more time for me has benefited others as well.
Like Dorothy in The Wizard of OzI always had the power. It just took me sixty years to realize that there is no shame in taking time for me.（1254 words）
